2004-10-23 - Dartmouth
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and herdsmen, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, finished with midterms, passed out at the Heights
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will reduce the Big Green to its primary colors, the Dartmouth will write a wordy, tactless rebuttal, and the game will be as invigorating as Dick Cheney's early morning callisthenic routine.
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that Dartmouth is having a bit of a housing crunch. The band however offers an easy solution to this unfortunate situation. There may indeed be a housing crunch, but there is surely no tenting in a wide-open field crunch. Why not make it a part of the freshmen experience? It could be your antidote to the Core Curriculum, just that it would involve less philology and more frostbite. But, the biggest news on campus however is that Fraternities at Dartmouth have seen a marked increase in applicants. Let's see, even the closest major league baseball team has moved from Montreal in search of a warmer climate. And now you don't have enough housing for your students. Keeping the tradition of a small college is fine, but maybe this wasn't exactly what Daniel Webster had in mind. In honor of the Dartmouth Class of 2009, the band now forms a Comfy Pillow in a room with indoor heating and plays Sweet Dreams.
[Form Comfy Pillow, Play Sweet Dreams]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen and T.S. Eliot Fanatics, back despite the last ice age, it's the most cryptic band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Wasteland.
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Wilbur Wright, Died of Typhus
J. Orville Wright, Crashed in Flight
And
J. James Wright, Became President of Dartmouth
[Fanfare]
As well as Toni Morrison soothing our souls, CU Snacks soothing our munched out stomachs, and Jeffery Sachs soothing our collective environmental conscience, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to the World of Hardball.
[Take Me Out to the Ball Game]
This week the Boston Red Sox have undertaken the greatest upset in the history of sports. We’d like to congratulate Mudville on their win, knowing that there was joy in Dartmouth the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the great sheep running of 1886. But honestly Yankees, “What happened?” Do you need more money to win? Maybe another 100, 200 million might set things right. Or maybe God and the Holy Ghost of Babe Ruth are not on your side anymore. In honor of Boston, and the great faith of its people the Band now forms a baseball, and plays “Living on a Prayer.”
[Form Baseball, Play Living on a Prayer]
Speaking of Hardballs, earlier this week, Fox News political pundit Bill O'Reilly was accused of sexual harassment by a Columbia J-School Alumnae. The Columbia J-School teaches its students right, “If they can’t write good news, they make it instead.” With such compelling classes as “How to be sexual harassed, and make money on a Sweet Book Deal,” how could you not turn out a success? The band now forms a telephone and plays, "I Hear You Calling, Bill O'Reilly, but I'm Not Answering the Phone.”
[Form Telephone, Play Knocking]
Recently it seems that Castro has fallen. It’s ok though, he has only scratched his knee and has a cast on his iron fist. The circumstances of his fall are suspicious, and it rumored that secretly trained Cuban refugees, under the auspices of American shoelace tiers snuck in under the cover of darkness in the Bay of Feet invasion. They sabotaged his regular cigars with the dizziness inducing variety and placed a trip stairwell in his path. Good work CIA, this is your finest day in the past fifty years. US El Presidente Jorge Doublee V Boosh tried to cover our tracks, and sent an official communiqué noting that, “ It happens to the best of us, Casty.” In honor of our newfound camaraderie and the upcoming summit for the Coalition of the Clumsy the band now forms a heart and plays Love Shack.
[Form Pretzel, Play Love Shack]