2004-10-30 - Yale
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and newly purchases Red Sox caps, back despite the fair weather, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. John W. Spats, Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider, Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, voting early, voting often
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to the gleaming, subterranean, minty-fresh, sinking, sanitized for your protection, soon to be renovated, yet still in need of renovation Yale Bowl, where we're sure the Lions will be smeared red from devouring the elephants, the donkeys will bray their last blue note and at least this time the legitimate winner of the race is sure to be a Yalie.
[Who Owns]
So there America was, ruling over Iraq like it was any old day, when it suddenly realized it forgot to lock the ammo dump that morning. Things had been so hectic, with Moqutata al-Sadr shouting that the Great Satan was going to pay for its crimes with a sea of blood, and Ahmed Chalabi asking for a new peanut butter sandwich with the crusts cut all the way off. After it rushed back to the ammo dump, America was shocked to find that all its brand new high explosives had been snatched away. Fortunately for America, the Band has been poking around here, and we figured out that Skull and Bones took it for use on their pledges. President Bush was notified, but brushed off the incident by saying, "High explosives are kind of cool, but back in my day, initiation involved a plunger, 8 feet of duct tape, and all the Vaseline we could find." In honor of explosive mistakes, the band now forms 380 tons of missing munitions and plays "Sweet ticking time bomb
of mine"
[Form Bomb, Play Sweet Child]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen and apathetic voters, back despite Yale taking over the White House, it's the most democratic band in the world The Columbia University Marching Third Party Candidates.
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. George W Bush - Skull and Bones
J. John Kerry - Skull and Bones
And
J. Yale Student - tomb-robbing with the best of 'em
[Fanfare]
As well as a lunar eclipse darkening the night sky, the Boston Red Sox raising the World Series trophy and various other signs foreshadowing the imminent coming of the Apocalypse, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to the best and brightest in American politics, both of which we'd like to thank Yale for. Hey Yale - Thanks a lot for such great candidates!! Seriously, GREAT JOB GUYS.
[Who Owns]
Now, we don't want to get all biblical on you, but this being the end times and all, we feel it's our duty. See, Columbia has this thing called the Core Curriculum, where we learn stuff other than how to be President. Anyway, long story short, we've read our Bible, and it turns out George W Bush really is the Son of Man. The clues are everywhere: he was born in the holy land of Connecticut. He fled to the desert, where he was tempted by oilmen. He threw the moneylenders out of Washington. And lo, a voice from George Sr. "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." He preached and he preached, and he told parables about little Johnny in Wisconsin and Sarah in Ohio. He has apostles, and he's got his Pharisees, too. Now, people want him out of the picture, and he's already been denied thrice before the cock-crow, by Tenet, Powell, and Clarke. In honor of blasphemy, the band now forms the symbol of his martyrdom, a dunce cap, and plays I’m a Believer.
[Form Dunce cap, Play I'm a Believer]
If John Kerry were born today, his mother would have flung him to the wolves. He served an undistinguished career in the US Senate, and went to a second rate college. But honestly, John Kerry, your biggest problem is that is that no one thinks you're up for the job. You need a little less soft talking, and a little more big stick. We want a president who will strut around an aircraft carrier like he's cock of the walk. Stop giving America's imperialist urges the shaft. Stand up for US penetration into the Middle East. Show your stiff resolve on the issues, and stop giving such flaccid speeches. Erect a better tax code, and kick off an economic spurt. In short, try to model your self after a man of rigid patriotism: Dick Cheney. In honor of the Third Purple Heart Faking, Ketchup Fortune Embezzling, Flip-Flop wearing, Eddie Munster and the campaign strategy of his dreams, the band now forms a robust foreign policy and plays "Fantasy."
[Form Penis, Play Fantasy]