2004-11-06 - Harvard
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, still waiting on that absentee ballot
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to curvaceous, shapely, wide-open, easily accessible, strikingly symmetrical and yet still... virginal Soldier's Field in Cambridge where we’re sure the
Lions will leave a Crimson stain in the dirt, the score will be as high as Ralph Nader’s electoral vote tallies, and the game will be as raucous as a night bar-hopping with Larry Summers.
[Who Owns]
Oh, Boston. You were so happy. You stood atop the world, perched on a hill of beans, or cod, or whatever it is you have here. The Red Sox won, and you were giddier than Ted Williams’ frozen head. But the Curse wasn't gone for good. Babe Ruth wouldn't leave your fair city unmolested, and it turns out that the Bambino is a family values kind of guy. He turned out the evangelicals in Ohio, kept the young voters glued to their bongs, and turned John Kerry into Boston's biggest loser since Bill Buckner. It just goes to show that you can't win anything while wearing a Red Sox hat. In honor of a sweeping mandate, the band now forms lights out for Boston and plays Bean-town in Black.
[Form A Light Bulb, Play Back in Black]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen and disenfranchised voters, back despite the next four years, it's the most apathetic band in the world The Columbia University Marching 80 Million who still couldn’t be bothered.
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Gay Marriage – Banned
J. Civil Liberties – Suspended
and
J. Kerry Voters – Enemy combatants
[Fanfare]
As well as a mighty John Thune steel-driving past the democratic machine, Ohio stealing the Sunshine State’s spotlight and that stupid smile being wiped off John Edwards' face, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to winning the popular vote.
[Who Owns]
Well America, there you have it. The election’s over and you lost. Not that you stood much of a chance in the first place, but at least now you can breathe a sigh of relief.
John Kerry will be ok in a few days. He’s being coddled in Theresa's arms as we speak. But with only his luxurious Beacon Hill Ketchup Mansion, a pool of gold bullion, his senate seat, and various vacation homes to soothe his wounds, it may take a while. When he’s ready to get his life back together again, we’ll be waiting and the band looks forward to the day when John Kerry grows a beard, gains 100 pounds, and accepts his teaching gig at Columbia’s Journalism School. Still, no matter how bad this week went for any one of us, it probably was a lot worse for John. The band now forms our condolences to John Kerry in the form of a ninety-nine cent greeting card and plays his favorite tune, “Ironman.”
[Form 99 cent generic greeting card, Play “Iron-man”]
We have to admit that sometimes we envy you, Harvard. Your President Larry Summers signed all of America’s money. And he can just as easily un-sign it. There. Just like that with a swoop of the pen and it’s done. Larry doesn’t like your attitude and now your money is worthless. As for your faculty, you occasionally have controversies, but they're usually pretty tame, like the grade inflation thing, or having a black professor recording a rap album. Over at Columbia, though, we have a whole department being accused of anti-Semitism. And you'll never guess which one it is, either. That’s right, the Middle Eastern Studies Department. We were as shocked as you all are. But you have to hand it to them; they're all pretty crafty. They work in a school with a large Jewish population, which is located in one of the most Jewish cities in the country. As Momar Chadafi once said, “They may be infidels, but they sure make a mean bagel.” In honor of jihad, the band now forms the Gaza Strip and plays "Build me up, Palestinian statehood."
[Form Palestinian Statehood, Play Buttercup]