2004-11-13 - Cornell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and SUNY Ithacans, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Daniel Binder, Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider, Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, Vying For PLO Chairman
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will gorge its opponent, the Committee on Un-American Activities will tie up the Big Red in lengthy Congressional Hearings, and the game will be as carefree as a stroll through downtown Fallujah.
[Who Owns]
Earlier this week, Diane Murphy gave a speech on her opening day as new AD for Columbia. Seeing how this is her first week on the job, the Band would like to take this time to say "Hey, Doctor Murphy!" and extend a hearty welcome to her. We'd also like to say "It wasn't our fault" and "We didn't do it" and "Whatever it is, we're probably very sorry." Seriously though, the Band looks forward to working with our new AD. Anyone with the cahunas to call out Columbia on its Tradition of Losing is a-okay by us! And with the band's combined record 996 wins, no losses, and 2 ties over the last century, we feel up to the challenge. In honor of M. Diane Murphy, and the path she will take to lead us to glory, the band now forms Victory and plays “American Woman.”
[Form Victory, Play Walk This Way]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen and compassionate conservatives, back despite upcoming retirements, it's the most court packing band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Chief Justice Anton Scalias.
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Gentrification At Columbia
J. Eminent Domain Abuse At Columbia
And
J. Tradition of Losing At Columbia no longer
[Fanfare]
As well as John Ashcroft ascending up to heaven, the Democratic Party being cast down, down, down into the fiery reaches of hell, and the Pope smiling away in the mortal realm, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to our own centennial anniversary.
[Who Owns]
Today’s game against Cornell marks the 100th anniversary of the Columbia University Marching Band. In honor of this occasion, the band would like to recreate the first halftime joke it ever preformed:
Recently it seems, that President Nicholas Murray Butler has caused quite a stir on Columbia’s campus by riding in to work on an electrified underground motor-contraption. Said Butler, “I dare not ride a bicycle like President Low before me, as my rumpus is too large, and the equestrian waste that now clogs our streets, sticks to my newly acquired loafers.” He added too, that the nickel fare was quite high. Butler then retired to his bedchambers for the evening but was roused by the claptrap clattering of the Columbia Marching Band. Upon hearing the minstrels play, Butler noted “Those Jewish Rascals so oft disturb my slumber in the night. I will do all that is in my power to disband them as expediently as possible.” In honor of the chosen people outliving Nicholas Murray Butler, the band now forms one hell of a century and plays our centennial march.
[Form One Hell of a Century, Play Skater Boy]
In news from the world of Attorneys General, America has a new one, but his appointment won't be official until he is anointed in Crisco oil and proves his ability to throw away US legal tradition and its moral authority throughout the world. In far more relevant news, Janet Reno spoke at Cornell on Monday. Reno's speech had a shaky start, yelling out "Hello SUNY Oneonta!" and then mumbling something about firing her booking agent. Ms. Reno was also on hand to welcome the newest member to the club of incompetent former Attorneys general, when John Ashcroft resigned from his post earlier in the week. Both expressed admiration for the other's work, with Ashcroft regretting that he was never able stage an FBI raid a compound of godless heathens, and Reno jealous that she was never able to conceal a statue's bronze nipples. Ashcroft, the eternal optimist, noted that with Renquist on the brink, and Scalia moving up to the high post, there might just be a robe waiting with a special someone’s name on it.” Inhonor of judicial speculation, the band now forms a rumor and plays “I heard it Through the Grapevine.”
[Form Rumor, Play Grapevine]
The band will now take a moment to congratulate and bid adieu to our graduating seniors. Please save your applause.
Head Manager Country Dan “Robitussen” Binder
and
Poet Laureate Emeritus Father Averil “Big Pen” Leslie
Please rise as the Band performs the Alma Mater of Columbia College, "Sans Souci."
[Form C U if we can, or just a C if our numbers lack, Play Sans Souci]
Run Away!