2004-11-20 - Brown
Pre-game
[Do Nothing. No Pre Game]
{The powers that be up in Providence thought it would be far better for the Brown Band to give a long and thorough shout-out to their commercial sponsors as well as an avant-garde farewell to all graduating seniors.}
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brunonians, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Daniel Binder, Head Manager
J. PJ Berg, Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, This state isn't big enough for the three of us
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to viscous, sludgy, putrefied, spoiled, and aptly-named Brown Stadium, where we're sure the Lions will put the Bears into early hibernation, the score will be as high as Brown's acceptance rate, and the crowd will find a way to get gym credit for sitting through the game.
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that President Bush has hired a woman as Secretary of State, and this time, it's not Colin Powell. Things sure were sad at the State Department last week, as Powell wistfully cleaned out his desk. He got to the picture of Kim Jong-Il, and he thought of that time he accidentally let the North Koreans develop nuclear weapons. He found the old PowerPoint presentation he used to lie to the UN. And when he came across the note Donald Rumsfeld passed to him during their first cabinet meeting, "Rummy and Colin, Best Friends Forever!" Powell just broke down in tears. Condi was right there the whole time, reminding Powell that only girls and French people cry, and maybe he should throw away his Vietnam medals and go get a manicure with John Kerry. In honor of diplomacy, the band now forms Condoleezza Rice's ample foreign policy and plays "I want to invade you like an animal"
[Form Shaft, Play Closer]
Well Brown, it looks like this whole Pass-Fail, go at your own pace and discover the world thing has come back to bite you. In a recent worldwide ranking of universities, you came in behind every Ivy school except for Dartmouth. And to make matters worse, you brainiacs couldn't even beat the Big Green in football. Don't worry about the loss though; you still have your intellectual superiority. Of course if you lose today, you'll be left with
nothing but low academic standards and a life entirely sheltered from reality. Sometimes you have to take what you can get. In honor of being second worst, the band now forms a Brown student's course load and plays "She Blinded me with Basket Weaving"
[Form Course Load, Play She Blinded Me With Science]
Run Away!