2005-09-24 - Duquesne
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Baker Blastians, back despite kickoff coming 7 hours early, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Zach Leiwant-- Head Manager
J. PJ Berg-- Drum Major
And
J. Joe Koski-- Already hung over on his first day of work
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will pounce on the Patriot League, the Dukes will be more bumbling than a FEMA official, and the game will be packed like the CAVA ambulance on a Thursday night.
[Who Owns]
The band would like to extend a hearty welcome to all of those visiting students from Louisiana, who after dealing with the bureaucratic incompetence of federal, state, and city rescue efforts, wisely decided to attend a university where customer service is a top priority, everyone is always happy to help you, and nothing ever gets caught up in innumerable layers of assistant assistants to the associate directors. But these New Orleansians caught some more bad luck here in New York, as they come to Morningside Heights during the height of Columbia’s Prohibition movement. With cops raiding the West End, kegless tailgaters stuck outside the Baker Field parking lot, and freshmen being taught that beer is the Devil’s lemonade, it’s pretty obvious that the fuzz is putting the 86 on hooch in our fair precinct. It’s a true disservice to the new students who arrived here this month; the faster they realize that the only way to survive Columbia is to remain in a perpetual drunken haze, the better. In honor of bootleggers getting signed into Carman, the band now forms a bottle of bathtub gin and plays “Any Way You Drink It”
[Form bottle, play “Any Way You Want It” ]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and safety schools, back despite extraneous consonants, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Silent S’s!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. John Roberts-- The next Chief Justice
J. Antonin Scalia-- Quietly plotting revenge
And
J. Clarence Thomas-- Hoping for more pornography cases next session
[Fanfare]
Along with Michael Brown’s resume inflating like the national economy, Cindy Sheehan’s 15 minutes dragging out longer than her divorce case, and President Bush threatening to invade West Africa for harboring hurricanes with ‘evil in their hearts,’ the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to political losers.
[Who Owns]
Recently, Columbia hosted the World Leaders Forum, which was a success all around, with Lee Bollinger even offering Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski a professorship here. The Polish leader declined, because it turned out he’d have to work in the School of General Studies, where it takes three students and an adjunct professor to screw in a light bulb. The only awkward moment of the forum came when Sierra Leone president Ahmad Kabbah tried desperately to get Bollinger to offer him a job at Columbia, making casual remarks like: “boy, it sure gets boring over there in Sierra Leone,” and “hey, have you read Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics? I could talk about that book for days, especially in a seminar-style classroom.” In other international news, the United States recently got North Korea to give up its nuclear weapons program. Negotiations had previously stalled when North Korea denied having tested a nuclear weapon; its news service reported that the large cloud of smoke over the test site was “simply a giant mushroom that caught fire.” In honor of the Glorious Leader’s Valiant Struggle to Defend World Peace, the band now forms a mushroom cloud and plays “Build Me Up, International Diplomacy”
[Form mushroom cloud, play Buttercup]
The gathering of major world leaders was just a typical week for us here at Columbia University in the City of New York, although we’re sure that Iraqi President Jalal Talabani would have visited Duquesne if he could have figured out how to pronounce it. We know it might be tough for you Duquesne Dukes to drive away from the bright lights of the East Coast schools your parents couldn’t buy you into, but think of all the fun and cultural things you’ll be returning to in Pittsburgh! There’s probably some sort of ketchup museum, right? You can see three rivers at once! And there’s always the old game of seeing how long you can walk on Teresa Heinz Kerry’s lawn before she starts shooting. The point is, be positive! Sure you may go to a third-tier college and you live in a cultural wasteland, but think of the foothold you’ll have in the steel industry once you graduate. In honor of manual labor, the band now forms the Rust Belt and plays “Carry on My Wayward Pittsburgian”
[Form belt, play “Carry On”]