2005-10-01 - Princeton
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and residents of Southern New Jersey, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Zach Leiwant - Head Manager
J. PJ Berg - Drum Major
and J. Joe Koski – Still stuck on the turnpike
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to exquisite, exurban, exclusionary and ex-historic Princeton Stadium, where we're sure that the Tigers will run away with their tail betwixt their legs, the Lions will march across the field like game hunters on safari, and someday somebody will graduate from Princeton famous enough get the stadium named after him.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that after Columbia hosted the World Leaders Forum, Princeton became jealous and decided to hold its own gathering of statesmen who are respected around the world. Unfortunately, on such short notice, they could only get Condoleezza Rice. Rice was forced to defend the more unsavory results of the US war in Iraq, claiming that the new Islamist constitution was exactly what the Bush administration hoped for, women’s rights were a stupid idea anyway, and that the United States is ready to answer the call for Holy Jihad in Iraq, Allah willing. Said Rice, “now that all of the countries between Syria and Pakistan are controlled by fundamentalist Muslins, we’ll know exactly where the terrorists will be hiding.” In honor of completely foreseeable yet unintended consequences, the band now forms a theocracy and plays “I Can See Clearly Now”
[form Crescent of Islam (with a tuba as the star), play Clearly]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Philadelphia suburbanites, back despite the Amtrak fare hike, it’s the least punctual band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Commuters!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Southern Jersey—Blighted
J. Undefeated Team—Delighted
and
J. Tom DeLay—Indicted
[Fanfare]
As well as Gerhard Schroeder’s vote count going up, Andrea Merkel’s vote count going down, and Princeton students eagerly awaiting word on who will lead the German volk, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to the Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschland
[Who Owns]
The band has just been informed that being in a marching band can cause permanent damage to one’s health. This comes as no surprise to us, because in our line of work, we have to listen to the Princeton band perform, which has been proven to cause bleeding of the ear drums, inertia, and hepatitis B. We’ve always known that being in a marching band can cause major health problems—we had to travel to New Jersey, for God’s sake! But no matter the risk, we know it’s worth it. We bandies are practically guaranteed a sweet piece of brass. In honor of living on the edge, the band now forms a marching band and plays Iron Drum Major.
[Form Vertical lines, play Iron Man]
The band is happy to be back here at Aaron Burr Memorial State College of New Jersey, where the ruling elite come for grade inflation, and stay for the quick access to Atlantic City. But those easy A’s may be a bit harder to come by, now that Princeton has started a Grade Inflation Task Force to lower average grades in all Princeton courses. The task force was created out of the embarrassment of last year’s valedictorian, who said in his speech that his four years at Princeton “couldn’t have been none more better,” and that his favorite class was lunch. The administration has faced a harsh backlash over its new policies, with one Princeton student saying “It’s outrageous that they’d try to grade us based on merit alone. Don’t they know who my father is? I’d transfer to Brown, if it weren’t so utterly beneath me.” In honor of faking it ‘till you make it, the band now forms uninflated grades and plays B Minus Boi.
[Form report card, play Sk8er Boi]
Run Away!