2005-10-15 - Penn
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and home comers, back despite depressed Yankees fans, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Zach Leiwant--Head Manager
J. PJ Berg--Drum Major
And
J. Joe Koski--Supports the team and the policy
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will soak the opposition, the Quakers will be cooked, and the student council will break down and buy a hot dog by halftime.
[Who Owns]
The band would like to congratulate Harriet Miers for her historic nomination to the Supreme Court. Miers’ appointment will be truly groundbreaking, as it should once and for all break down the Supreme Court’s notorious “intelligence barrier.” Finally, those of weak mind and feeble wit will get their chance for lifetime tenure on the high court! Penn students, obviously elated by the acceptance of the idiot class into the ruling elite, promptly threw a “Future Presidents of the World” keg party, though things got a bit awkward when no one could agree upon what the national beer should be. As for Little Miss Miers, she was given encouragement by fellow idiot pioneer Clarence Thomas, who warned her that although hearing cases could be “mega-boring,” he was super-excited to finally get someone on the bench who could help him with the Daily Jumble. In honor of Justice Miers signing opinions with a little heart over the ‘i’, the band now forms Harriet Miers’ constitutional jurisprudence and plays her favorite tune.
[Form question mark, play My Sharona]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and wealthy alumni, back despite a tight budget, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Homecoming Fundraiser!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. New York Subway System--Not actually a target
J. Iraq--Not actually a constitutional democracy
And
J. University of Pennsylvania--Not actually an Ivy League school
[Fanfare]
Along with Tom and Katie’s baby on the way in, Nick and Jessica on the way out, and Penn students slogging their way through the long articles in People Magazine, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to celebrity gossip.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that steroids have infiltrated the once innocent world of competitive sports. The most famous culprit thus far has been Raphael Palmeiro, who claimed that he forgot to read the label on the steroid bottle before jamming a syringe full of it into his body. The band fears that this doesn’t bode well for Penn athletes, many of whom lack the literacy and basic motor skills needed to decipher an informational label. But to serve as a reminder to Penn athletes not to cut any corners, the band would like to point out the case of Lance Armstrong, whose recent Tour de France win was blemished by French accusations of drug use. It’s easy to see why France is so uptight, though; they can’t enjoy seeing an Anglo-Saxon ubermensch race across the Gallic countryside heading for Paris. In honor of Lance Armstrong’s damaged pride, the band now forms his Tour de France trophy and plays “Cheat it”
[Form trophy, play “Beat It”]
{And when we say trophy, we mean phallus with one testicle}
And now, please rise as the Band plays Columbia’s alma mater, “Sans Souci”
[Form horizontal lines, play Sans Souci]
Run Away!