2005-10-22 - Dartmouth
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Big Green objects, back despite highway-side liquor stores, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Zach Leiwant--Head Manager
J. PJ Berg--Drum Major
And
J. Joe Koski--Lived Free and Died
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to the utterly barren, windswept plain of Memorial Stadium in Hangover, New Hampshire, where we're sure the Lions will be the envy of the Big Green, Dartmouth’s score will be as low as it’s level of respect within the Ivy League, and the Columbia Band will once again steal Dartmouth’s show.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that former vice presidential candidate and current teen heart throb John Edwards made an appearance at Dartmouth. Edwards was apparently unaware that he doesn’t need to appear in New Hampshire until late 2007, when he will have to spend a Dante-esque winter shaking hands with old people, going to meetings of the New Hampshire Dairy Farmers Political Action Committee, and debating Dennis Kucinich. But we Columbians just aren’t that impressed with a vice presidential loser on campus. When a bloated and hirsute Al Gore comes knocking on your door, desperate for lecture fees and the sweet, sweet taste of social acceptance, then we’ll talk. In honor of roaming the political wilderness and getting lost in Hanover, the band now forms a Bull Moose and plays “Back in Unemployment”
[Form Bull Moose, play Back in Black]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and off-year election seasons, back despite no reason to be in New Hampshire, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching 2008 Presidential Primaries!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. John Marshall—Judicial Review
J. Oliver Wendell Holmes—Freedom of speech
And
J. Harriet Miers—The constitution has how many amendments?
[Fanfare]
Along with American support for Palestine going up like a border wall, Saddam Hussein’s court appointed lawyer going down like a SCUD missile over Israel, and 100% of Iraqi voters supporting their Glorious and Divinely Inspired New Democracy, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to Mesopotamian irony
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that beer pong, Dartmouth’s official competitive sport, is sweeping the nation. Few people realize that beer pong was invented here, when Steve “The Human Keg” Patterson, Dartmouth College ’77 was playing ping pong and accidentally hit the ball into his morning beer. Instead fixing a new drink, the intrepid inventor gulped down the concoction of cheap domestic beer and ping pong ball grime, thus creating Dartmouth’s first non-Dr. Seuss contribution to society. Years latter, Patterson remarked, “I invented a game that was dirty, crude, intellectually unchallenging, and a complete waste of time. I knew it would fit right in at Dartmouth.” In honor of killing brain cells in the most unsanitary way possible, the band now forms a beer pong match and plays “Carry On My Wayward Ping Pong Ball”
[Form a beer pong game (two groups of bandies about 15 yards apart, with a large man in a white parka running between them), play “Carry On”]
In health news, the world is preparing for an avian flu pandemic. President Bush snapped into action last month, renting everyone on his staff a copy of that movie “Outbreak,” and buying a few of those cool germ-proof suits so that he can play Super Astronaut Explorer in the Oval Office. Though the flu doesn’t pose much threat now, since it can only be transmitted from poultry to humans, we in the band are being extra cautious during this weekend. If there’s one place where people have a lot of contact with livestock, it’s Dartmouth, the animal husbandry capital of the world. In honor of epidemiology, the band now forms avian flu and plays “I Want to Fly Like a Microbe”
[Form bird, play “Fly Like an Eagle”]
Run Away!