2005-10-29 - Yale
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and trick-or-treaters, back despite eating too much Kandy Korn, it's the blood thirstiest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Zach Leiwant--Head Manager
J. PJ Berg--Drum Major
And
J. Joe Koski--Drafted into the zombie army
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will neuter the Bulldogs, Columbia's score will be as high as New Haven's crime rate, and the team busses will still have hubcaps by the end of the game.
[Who Owns]
We in the band were delighted to hear of NBC’s plan to air a sitcom set in Morningside Heights. The show, produced by the people who brought you Will & Grace, and a very special Frasier, will feature the antics of a rabbi, a minister, and an imam-in training who are roommates at the Jewish Theological Seminary. The Catholic League has pledged an immediate protest based on general principle. Now, we know you Yalies are probably jealous of our soon-to-be national fame, but can you really blame NBC for not setting its show in New Haven? We’re know that sometimes it can get pretty exciting in America’s 183rd biggest city, especially when they keep the IKEA open until 9:30, but for some reason, a sitcom about the drug dealers who live in the IKEA parking lot just won’t play in Peoria. In honor of New Haven nightlife, the band now forms IKEA and plays “Love Shack.”
[Form IKEA, play Shack]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen and inferiority complexes, back despite cowardly bands, it's the most dedicated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching We Show Up To Our Away Games.
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Yale Band—Not Here
J. Yale Band—Not Queer
And
J. University of Virginia Band—Not used to it
[Fanfare]
Along the Chicago White Sox going up like Columbia’s endowment, the Houston Astros’ trophy case emptier than Harriet Miers’ pretty little head, and Shoeless Joe Jackson spinning in his money-lined coffin, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to God and Man. And Yale.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that God is sending hurricanes to destroy his enemies, and it turns out he really hates wet t-shirt contests. After bumping New Orleans and grinding Cancun, God sent a pretty clear message that he’s out to smite Spring Break. The partiers have taken the Almighty’s hint, and decided to hold next year’s Spring Break at the Yale Divinity School. God was reportedly pleased with the choice, noting that few other places so perfectly combine depressing surroundings, an unattractive student body, and widespread street crime. Many Divinity students were excited eager for their chance to “Go Wild,” and many promised that after a few drinks, they would take off their frocks and expose their testaments. In honor of the best spring break ever, the band now forms Hurricane Omega and plays “She Blinded me with Gale Force Winds.”
[Form hurricane, play Science]
Recently, it seems that Yale is losing its grip on the reins of the ruling class. George Bush is becoming about as popular as Howard Dean, John Kerry was last seen at the opening of a new ketchup factory, and Jodie Foster was absolutely terrible in Flight Plan. And let’s not forget our friend George Pataki. He’s running for president, apparently unaware that the last Yale alum to finish his presidency without a major embarrassment was William Howard Taft, whose greatest achievement was not breaking all the White House furniture he sat on. Pataki was last seen in Iowa, reassuring locals that he opposes stem cell research, he thinks God created the world 4,000 years ago, and that On the Origin of Species is no more that the writing of Satan himself. It really goes to show where a Yale education will get you. In honor of flip-flopping, the band now forms George Pataki’s intellectual honesty plays “Livin’ on School Prayer.”
[Form a zero, play Prayer.]
Please rise as the band performs Columbia'a alma mater, Sans Souci
[Form C, play Sans Souci]
Run Away!