2005-11-05 - Harvard
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite that not-so-fresh feeling, it's the most absorbent band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Zach Leiwant--Head Manager
J. PJ Berg--Drum Major
And
J. Joe Koski--Are you there God? It’s me, Joe
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will earn their wings, the Blue and White will soak up the Crimson stains on the field, and the game will be as refreshing as a Summer's Eve.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that has Harvard lost yet another intellectual star, as Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of TheFacebook.com, decided that a degree from Harvard would actually hurt his career. Upon dropping out, Zuckerberg was required to turn in his silver spoon and tweed jacket, though he was allowed to keep his monocle. But we in the band would like to thank Zuckerberg for the Facebook, which has brought stalking into the 21st century, allowed us to partition ourselves in innumerable groups about how much we love The OC, and given us a way to look up the people who we hated in high school and secretly laugh at them for not getting into an Ivy League school. In honor of poking, the band now forms Whatever We Can Get and plays Fantasy.
[Form a Facebook Poke (read: horizontal penis), play Happy Together]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen and homesick freshmen, back despite Fall Break, it's the most vacationing band in the world in the world, the Columbia University Marching Four Day Weekends!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Fernando Ferrer--Losing
J. Michael Bloomberg--Winning
And
J. New York City Residents--Does anybody else smell maple syrup?
[Fanfare]
As well as the College Democrats forced to go to Virginia to find a candidate with any chance of winning, the College Republicans trying to call up a replacement for Scooter Libby, and the College Libertarians still hoping to ride the Badnarik wave in 2008, the band now presents an all star, gala halftime salute to Election Day.
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that Harvard had to cancel a concert by Wyclef Jean due to lack of ticket sales. This cancellation marks the continuing decline of Harvard’s record of race relations; the last black man who was happy to be at Harvard was Method Man during the filming of How High. The Wyclef incident was just one more embarrassment for Larry “The H Stands for Hate” Summers, who recently angered women for suggesting they are innately less capable in math and science, and before that, angered Cornel West, for suggesting that nobody really likes his rap albums. But the band has to wonder about the psychology behind Larry’s recent outbursts. We know that prejudice usually stems from self-hatred, and we’re looking into the possibility that Larry Summers is actually a black woman who isn’t very good at math. In honor of Laurence Summers’ identity crisis, the band now forms his id, and plays Sweet Dreams.
[Form amorph, play Sweet Dreams]
The band would like to congratulate the new Supreme Court nominee, Sam Alito, for not being a complete moron. Now that he’s won the respect of the Senate and the media for not writing in Hallmark cards that George W. Bush was “the coolest governor ever!,” Alito is poised to sail through Senate confirmation, provided he can pass the mandatory spelling test. As a privileged, Christian white man, Alito is ready to bring his unique perspective to the country’s pressing issues. He was recently heard to remark, “I don’t see what the big deal is about Roe vs. Wade. Once we repeal women’s suffrage, it won’t be an issue.” In honor of federalism, the band now forms Justice Alito’s vision for America and plays “Sweet Scalito of Mine”
[Form judicial activism (read: a coat hanger), play Sweet Child]
Run Away!