2005-11-12 - Cornell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentleman, and SUNY Ithaca students, back despite the popular demand, it’s the cleverest band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Zach Leiwant--Head Manager
J. PJ Berg--Drum Major
And
J. Joe Koski—Hates Ithaca so much, he didn’t show up
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to Super 8 Stadium at gorge-tastic New York A&M
University and Motor Lodge, where we’re sure the Lions will chew up the Big Red, Cornell’s effort will be as subpar as the quality of its education, and the band will leave Ithaca as soon as humanly possible.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that France is reenacting its revolution. Playing the part of the peasants is an underclass of oppressed immigrants, and playing the part of their pitchforks is a street full of burning cars. Don’t worry though—the French government is on the case. After holding an emergency session in Paris’ Palais d’Incompetence (NB: to be spoken in a French accent), Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin announced that the government has figured out a number of ways to blame this whole thing on the Americans. President Jaques Chirac also announced that the French military would be dispatched to quell the riots just as soon as he remembers where he left it. He thinks he last saw it in Algiers, although he definitely remembers making a quick stop in Indo-China too. In honor of cultural imperialism, the band now forms une cocktail de Molotov and plays Secret Arab Man
[Form bottle, play Secret Agent Man. At the end of song, hit the bass drum once, and everyone run outward, as if the bottle is exploding]
Run Away!!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and mediocre high school students, back despite approaching early application deadlines, it’s the most accepting band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Third Tier Ivy League Colleges!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Columbia Reject—Where will I go to college?
J. Harvard Reject—What school would accept a subpar applicant such as myself?
And
J. Cornell Prefrosh—I’m going to learn about hotels!
[Fanfare]
As well as hypothermia going up like Cornell’s acceptance rate, the temperature in Ithaca going down Cornell’s reputation, and the band being kept warm thanks to scarfs made by Mrs. JoAnn Hovey, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to the second-best college in Ithaca
[Who Owns]
We in the band were dismayed that the Cornell administration felt the need to censor our script. Lighten up, guys—we haven’t caused a national controversy in three years! But apparently the provincial sensibilities of Cornell students need to be sheltered from thinly veiled sexual references, displays of irreverence, and most forms of humor. But despite the Ithaca Thought Police, we always get a few laughs out of our visit to Cornell—there aren’t many places in the world where you can watch several hundred overweight students attempt to march in time while wearing fake military uniforms. But hey, anything to get out of gym class, right guys? And we admit it, we’re a little bit jealous of the Cornell band—we’re happy if our shows get a few chuckles, but nothing makes people laugh more than an incompetent marching band that doesn’t get the joke. In honor of the funniest band in the Ivy League, we now form the pride of Ithaca, and play “Carry on My Wayward Marchers”
[Form Penis, play Carry On. After the song ends, remain in the penis formation, and march in time so as to mock the Cornell Band]
We were surprised to hear that those in the Cornell band receive gym credit for their efforts to march in a straight line, though in all fairness, they also receive music credit for going to gym class and sitting in the corner. But we really shouldn’t complain about the Cornell Marching Band—it fits right in at a state school like this one. In fact, we’d like to see more marching bands to represent the full spectrum of the Cornell experience. There could be the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Marching Dairy Farmers. The School of Hotel Administration Marching Front Desk Clerks. And of course, the School of Industrial and Labor Relations Marching Mafioso Bosses. In honor of staying in formation, the band now forms a field marshal’s baton and plays “I want to March in Straight Lines Like an Animal”
[Form (remain in) penis, play Closer]
Run Away!!!
{The Cornell Athletics department decided to censor our script, so we decided to mind fuck them by forming a giant phallus and mocking everything about Cornell. Although Cornell did get back at us by having stadium security throw our spirit manager out of the stadium in the third quarter for saying "scrotum, scrotum, quarterback sack." Hey, Ithaca. Fuck you}