2005-11-19 - Brown
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Zach Leiwant—Head Manager
J. Morgan Robinson—Drum Major
and
J Joe Koski—Getting a Head Start on that Thanksgiving Dinner
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will flush away their opponents, Brown will be wiped off of the field with only a few skid marks, and the game go faster if you bring something to read.
[Who Owns]
Last weekend, the Brown football team clinched a tie for the Ivy League Championship and with a win here today, can win its first ever outright championship. Well Brown, we're all VERY proud of you. It’s about time a school with such sub par academics as yours brought in some jocks and started compensating for your inadequacies on the football field. Why, in just a few more years, you’ll all be as strong and dumb as Penn students! But as for today, sources in the Columbia Band have been told that upon victory, the Brown Band plans to rush the field and steal the Wien Stadium uprights for the first time since 1988. But not so fast Brown! We're well aware that a loss could plummet you into a three-way tie and we hardly plan on seeing you celebrate on our brand new FieldTurf. In honor of winning one for the Gipper, Harvard, Yale, and the three people listening to the game on WKCR, the band now forms Brown's deathbed and plays "Sweet Dreams."
Run Away
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and YES network viewers, back despite express written consent, it's the most disseminated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Copyright Violations!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Brown Band—As seen on Family Guy
J. Brown Sex Parties—As seen on Fox News
And
J. Brown Students—As seen on unemployment lines
[Fanfare]
As well as Columbia’s early applications going up like the price of land in Manhattanville, Brown’s academic standards going down like the price of land in Providence, and Columbia and Brown students alike relieved they don’t live in New Haven, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to real estate!
[Who Owns]
We in Columbia band are a pretty conservative bunch. If there’s one thing we love more than football, it’s the mainstream values of America’s heartland. So you can imagine our shock when we were watching the O’Reilly Factor this week and saw hidden camera footage of naked Brown students at their Sex Power God party. We so were appalled at the tight bodied, half-naked coeds on TV that we nearly collapsed of moral indignation, though we did manage to TIVO it and play it back frame by frame. But we have to question the title of your party, Brown. Sex you may have, but no one who’s ever graduated from Brown has had any Power in the world, and as far as God, he’s long since forsaken Providence and all who dwell there. In honor of Bill O’Reilly calling Brown’s president a “pinhead,” the band now forms Sex Power God and plays Happy Together.
[Form amorph, play Happy Together]
The band will now take a moment to congratulate and bid adieu to our graduating seniors. Please save your applause.
Zach "Center of the Napkin" Leiwant
Spats “Now You’re Clean, Like Jesus” Mills
Micah “Why Would I Bring a Map?” Siegel
Zach “The Loud Guy” Ryan
Vanessa "She Puts Out Fires" Schneider
Ansel "Hell on Wheels" Lurio
Justin "Four Heads" Steinhouse
Russ "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" Santillanes
Madeline "Shook Me All Night Long" Gross
and
Mollie “The Band Mommy” Sacra
Please rise as the band plays Columbia’s alma mater, Sans Souci
[Form a C, play Sans Souci]
Run Away!!!